Thursday, March 05, 2020
Presidential Primary Endorsement!
"We" at Unforeseen Contingencies have not endorsed any politicians for a while, but now that "Super Tuesday" is behind us and the Democrat field narrowing, the time is right for us to endorse our choice for the Democrat candidate for President. It is... [drum roll]...
...our very own commander, chief blogger, and bottle-washer, Charles N. Steele! This may come as a surprise to readers, but our case is airtight. Consider:
1. Steele has spent substantially less campaigning than little Michael Bloomberg ($0.00 vs. $550,000,000.00) yet was not that far behind the little man.
2. Now that Buttgig, Rosa Klebbuchar, Little Mike, and Pocahontas are out, there are only three other remaining candidates: two geriatrics who appear to be on their last legs, and Tulsi Gabbard. Comrade Sanders appears to be on the verge of another heart attack. Crazy Uncle Joe Biden is way off the deep end mentally -- whether it is the effects of aging or simply that he's always been like this is unclear, but he's not in good shape. Neither of them is up to the rigors of a long, hard campaign. They'll be out soon. That leaves Tulsi Gabbard...
3. This is where it gets exciting. Steele is only one delegate behind Gabbard! It's zero to one. That's such a tiny gap as to be meaningless. And Steele hasn't even begun to campaign!
4. What about the obvious objection that Steele is not a member of the Democrat Party? Well, that didn't disqualify Sanders or Bloomberg, so it sure won't stop Steele!
5. Qualifications? Heck, yes, we're qualified! First, unlike some candidates of recent times, we can actually almost prove we were probably born in the United States, most likely, and are American citizens by birth, very possibly. We can also show we have substantial Russian, Ukrainian, and Chinese connections, which appears to be a required qualification these days. And we can show we don't have any felony convictions and aren't and never were members of any organization that stands for the violent overthrow of the United States (wait, is that a requirement?)
6. Platform...yes, we have a wonderful platform, one sure to appeal to the Democrat base. FREE STUFF! That's what the Dems are all about these days, isn't it? So we promise... free speech! free press! thinking and religious belief and practice? absolutely free! free enterprise! free movement! free kittens! (We don't actually have any kittens yet, but we'll get some to distribute by inauguration time.)
7. But do we have a path to the nomination? Yes! once Sanders and Biden are out, we will challenge Gabbard to a pushup contest. She's actually pretty good, but we're better and will humiliate her publicly. All delegates previously committed to Biden will switch to us, since pushup prowess is one of the features that most attracts them. And Sanders supporters, like Sanders, believe no woman can be president, so we'll already have them in the bag. This will not be a brokered convention, we'll win on the first round and unite the party! And then, on to November!
"Are you serious?" asks the reader who has made it this far. We answer "yes, of course!" As evidence of our commitment, note how quickly we switched into the third person plural to refer to ourselves a few points back, a sure sign of sufficient hubris to run! Dream big! Join us in our vision!
Photo: Steele with running mate Chaos. See? We're even green!
...our very own commander, chief blogger, and bottle-washer, Charles N. Steele! This may come as a surprise to readers, but our case is airtight. Consider:
1. Steele has spent substantially less campaigning than little Michael Bloomberg ($0.00 vs. $550,000,000.00) yet was not that far behind the little man.
2. Now that Buttgig, Rosa Klebbuchar, Little Mike, and Pocahontas are out, there are only three other remaining candidates: two geriatrics who appear to be on their last legs, and Tulsi Gabbard. Comrade Sanders appears to be on the verge of another heart attack. Crazy Uncle Joe Biden is way off the deep end mentally -- whether it is the effects of aging or simply that he's always been like this is unclear, but he's not in good shape. Neither of them is up to the rigors of a long, hard campaign. They'll be out soon. That leaves Tulsi Gabbard...
3. This is where it gets exciting. Steele is only one delegate behind Gabbard! It's zero to one. That's such a tiny gap as to be meaningless. And Steele hasn't even begun to campaign!
4. What about the obvious objection that Steele is not a member of the Democrat Party? Well, that didn't disqualify Sanders or Bloomberg, so it sure won't stop Steele!
5. Qualifications? Heck, yes, we're qualified! First, unlike some candidates of recent times, we can actually almost prove we were probably born in the United States, most likely, and are American citizens by birth, very possibly. We can also show we have substantial Russian, Ukrainian, and Chinese connections, which appears to be a required qualification these days. And we can show we don't have any felony convictions and aren't and never were members of any organization that stands for the violent overthrow of the United States (wait, is that a requirement?)
6. Platform...yes, we have a wonderful platform, one sure to appeal to the Democrat base. FREE STUFF! That's what the Dems are all about these days, isn't it? So we promise... free speech! free press! thinking and religious belief and practice? absolutely free! free enterprise! free movement! free kittens! (We don't actually have any kittens yet, but we'll get some to distribute by inauguration time.)
7. But do we have a path to the nomination? Yes! once Sanders and Biden are out, we will challenge Gabbard to a pushup contest. She's actually pretty good, but we're better and will humiliate her publicly. All delegates previously committed to Biden will switch to us, since pushup prowess is one of the features that most attracts them. And Sanders supporters, like Sanders, believe no woman can be president, so we'll already have them in the bag. This will not be a brokered convention, we'll win on the first round and unite the party! And then, on to November!
"Are you serious?" asks the reader who has made it this far. We answer "yes, of course!" As evidence of our commitment, note how quickly we switched into the third person plural to refer to ourselves a few points back, a sure sign of sufficient hubris to run! Dream big! Join us in our vision!
Steele 2020
Photo: Steele with running mate Chaos. See? We're even green!
